Coruscant Regency Hotel, Coruscant:
Maul stared at himself in the small wall mirror in the back room of the hotel’s main lobby. Behind him, his master, Darth Sidous, was grinning like a loon. Maul snorted and turned to his master.
“Must I do this, my Master?” he asked sourly. Sidious chuckled behind one hand and nodded, trying very hard not to point at his apprentice’s workclothes. Maul was dressed head to toe in a navy blue bellboy’s uniform, gold braided trim lined the sleeves and pantlegs. Placed ackwardly over his horns was a small bellhop’s cap bearing the title of the hotel.
“Yes, my young and impatient apprentice. As part of your training at the Academy you must take on one demanding duty for a whole night. This is an exercise in extreme patience. It will eventually help you defeat your enemies in the future.” Sidious glanced at the wall clock and announced, “Time to go to the front desk, my apprentice. I’m going back to my home and I’ll return for you in the morning.” With that, the hooded Sith master turned and left the small room. Maul grunted as goodbye and glanced at himself in the mirror again. Snarling, he adjusted the tilted cap but to no avail. Guess a lopsided cap was better than nothing. Hell, this whole lesson would’ve been better if he didn’t have to run around dressed like a Republic official.
With a long sigh, Maul left the room and took his place behind the large half-moon shaped front desk to await his arriving guests.
* * *
“We’re in the honeymoon suite.” Maul looked up from his issue of Star Wars Insider at Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his happy-go-lucky apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Supressing a snarl of distaste as his master’s voice reminded him to be patient with these fools, he slapped the magazine down on the desk and walked out from behind the desk. Almost immediately the discarded magazine was snatched up by the jittery Jedi apprentice.
“Oooo! Look, Master! There’s a special on the Queen’s costumes! I always wondered how her traveling gown would look on me,” he piped, burying his face in the magazine. Qui-Gon offered him a patient smile and looked down at the scowling bellhop. Maul only reached up to the Jedi’s chest, something that bothered him greatly. Why couldn’t I have been born with the height worthy of a Sith? he wondered to himself. Damn his parents. He’d have to kill them for having bad genes.
“Our bags are right over there,” Qui-Gon pointed to the luggage cart left by the valet. Maul peered around Qui-Gon’s arm and almost fell over. A good twenty bags full of Sith-knew-what were stacked on the shaky cart. Twin trunks lay beside it along with an odd-looking..hose device attached to a large pole that appeared to have a knobby head at the top. Swallowing back bile, Maul strode past the Jedi and his giggling apprentice and began pushing the cart. He used his Force to lift the trunks and torture device along behind him. Qui-Gon tapped Obi-Wan’s shoulder and idicated that they should follow Maul. Obi-Wan placed the magazine back on the desk and skipped after his master.
Maul managed to shove all of the bags into the elevator then cram himself in. He inched his fingers out from behind the cart to tap the correct floor button. Beside the cart, Obi-Wan was crouched low, his hands fisted near his bent knees and a look of pure determination on his boyish features. Maul raised an eyebrow in confusion. Qui-Gon didn’t seem to notice his apprentice’s precarious position.
Suddenly, as the elevator lurched upward, Obi-Wan began muttering, “Not yet...not yet....not yet..” Maul was further bewildered by this idiot’s behavior. The elevator inched closer to the right floor and when it finally jerked to a stop, Obi-Wan Jedi leaped up to the ceiling of the compartment. Maul pressed himself against the wall of the elevator as Obi-Wan’s head crashed through the ceiling. The hallow sound of his girlish laughter issued down from the hole he’d created with his head. His legs kicked merrily as he chortled and squealed. Qui-Gon calmly removed his apprentice from the ceiling and, while carrying him over his shoulder, walked out of the elevator. Maul looked up into the hole then back at the departing Jedi. The elevator beeped and the doors began to close. Quickly, Maul pushed the cart out between the rapidly closing doors and almost got his jacket tails caught. He yanked the cloth away from the doors and followed the Jedi into the honeymoon suite.
Inside the lavish, if not garish, room Obi-Wan was gushing over the good-sized hot tub in the center of the room. Twin plastic cupids holding urns poured water into the large basin of the tub, something that seemed to fascinate the young Jedi. Maul rolled his eyes and began unloading the cart of baggage. Obi-Wan pranced in a circle around Maul, squealing his questions.
“Can I help oh can I help?!” he demanded in a whiny voice that made Maul’s skin crawl. He reluctantly tossed the heaviest piece of luggage at the eager Jedi and smiled sadistically when the bag promptly sent the idiot Jedi to the floor. As if he felt no pain, Obi-Wan giggled and wiggled out from under the bag. Maul blinked, startled by his inability to feel pain.
“That was fun!” Obi-Wan enthused, clapping his hands together. “Toss me another one, Mister Nice Belloboy sir!” Maul grinned evilly and, using his Force, caused the remaining bags to topple onto the Jedi. That registered some pain. Obi-Wan wailed as the flood of bags drowned him and his protests.
From inside the main bedroom, Qui-Gon poked his head out of the doorway. “Padawan? I need your help with this girdle.” Maul blanched and decided it was time to collect his tip and exit. He shuffled over to Qui-Gon, whipped his hand out, and smiled his best imitation of a friendly smile. Qui-Gon reached into his pocket, the one that wasn’t hooked up to the girdle’s loose straps, and dropped ten credits into the awaiting black palm. Maul eyed the amount, smirked slightly, and left the room.
As he stalked away pushing the empty luggage cart he heard Obi-Wan’s squeals of delight and Qui-Gon’s rumble of pleased laughter. Shuddering almost to the point of a seizure, Maul quickly made his way to the elevator.
Hours later:
The light connecting to the honeymoon’s suite telephone buzzed loudly, alerting the dozing Maul. He snapped awake and sleepily groped for the desk’s phone. “Yes, what do you want?” he asked grumpily.
“Could you please bring up a slab of raw meat, a dead fish, and some eggs?” Qui-Gon’s voice said from the other side of the line. Maul blinked.
“Uhhh..right. Just a few minutes,” he replied and hung up before Qui-Gon could utter a thank you. Maul slid his hands over his face to wipe away any sleep from his eyes and walked into the hotel’s kitchen. He located the items requested and started up the corridor to the elevators. A voice snapped out behind him.
“Hey you!” Maul turned on one foot slowly, casting his addresser a cold glare. The voice belonged to a kid around ten or twelve, human male with a bowl cut of blonde hair and dark blue eyes. He was dressed simply in a brown tunic and protective boots. His scowl was worthy of a Sith’s, Maul mused.
“What do you want, kid?” Maul demanded coldly, his fingers growing numb from holding the raw items in his hands. The boy tried to cross his arms and failed as he replied rudely,
“I’m waiting for my bags to be brought up to my room!” Behind the boy Maul could see a black backpack of sorts with a large bodyshaped bag beside it. Oh goody, a child assassin! Maul thought delightedly. The boy seemed alone; maybe that was his mother inside the bodybag. As Maul pondered the possiblities of the hidden contents of the bag he Force-ed the belongings to follow him into the elevator. The snide youth trailed after him. While the elevator creaked upwards to the third floor, the boy shrieked about something he called a podracer.
“I made it myself and I’m the only human who can pilot it!” he shrilled. Maul winced inwardly at the brat’s voice and inability to deliver his words correctly.
“What kind of a creature are you anyway?” Maul asked sharply, annoyed by the brat’s constant jabbering.
“I’m a person and my name’s ANAKIN!!” he yelled, thrusting his small body forward close to Maul’s in an arrogant fashion. Gritting his teeth against poison-tipped words, Maul did his best to ignore the rowdy child. The floor dinged and the doors opened. Anakin scurried out of the elevator quickly leaving Maul to follow with the dead fish, slab of raw meat, and carton of eggs. The bags floated behind him once more. Anakin stopped in front of room 303 and stabbed a finger at the door’s lock.
“Open it!” he commanded. Maul’s eyes fired up with his containted rage as he fumbled for the correct room key. He jabbed the key into the lock, twisted it fiercely, and kicked the door open. He tossed the bags inside the room and resisted the urge to do the same to the brat. Anakin gaped in shock and stomped his small foot on top of Maul’s with force. Maul howled in rage and backhanded the kid into the room.
“Damned brat!” he snarled and Force-shut the door, locking it from the outside in the process. Anakin wailed and assualted the door with his small fists. Maul ignored him and entered the elevator again. He had another job to finish.
* * *
The sounds of men groaning and moaning entered Maul’s ears almost as soon as he stepped off the elevator. He clamped his hand over his mouth to prevent the spew from spilling forth and rapidly banged on the door to the suite. From the inside he heard Qui-Gon answer in a breathless “Yes?”. The sound of a whip being applied to skin punctuated his words. Maul shuddered and opened the door a notch.
“The stuff you asked for,” he said gruffly, thrusting the requested items forward. Qui-Gon, now dressed in a black dominatrix outfit topped with a black girdle, strolled forward in his five inch pumps and took the items from Maul’s shaking hand. A moan sounded from behind the cross-dressing Jedi. Maul dared a peek around Qui-Gon’s body and did a double take. Obi-Wan was strung up in some sort of body harness above the hot tub, blindfolded and wearing a frilly pink tutu. Maul blanched for the second time that night and slammed the door shut. The whip cracks resumed, as did the howls of pleasure and pain from Obi-Wan. Maul couldn’t hold it back this time. He whipped around the corner of the hall and hurled into an ashcan. After emptying the contents of his stomach, he rose and swiped at his mouth with the edge of his jacket. He hoped to never ever see anything as repulsive as that again! This Wookiesuit was bad enough!
* * *
An hour later found Maul back at the front desk checking in another pair of unusual guests: Jedi Master Yoda and Mace Windu. Yoda was dressed in a Hawaiian flower-print shirt with brown sandals. Mace was still in his normal robes. Maul paid no heed to the Muppet and ruthlessly snatched the credit card from Mace’s hand. He scanned it into the computer and told them their room number. Yoda chortled and waddled to the elevators. Mace gestured towards the luggage cart and followed his pint-sized superior. Maul grimaced when he noticed the amount of bags was doubled compared to that of the perverted Jedi. Grunting in defeat, he heaved the whole cart with his Force and trailed after the Masters.
“Here’s your room,” Maul said absently as he flipped through a series of room keys on a large gold ring. Yoda waddled up to the Sith bellhop and raised one green hand towards the door. It swung open without the aid of a key and the Jedi Master piddled inside. Maul tossed the keys over his shoulder and directed the bags into the room. Mace thanked him gruffly and handed him twenty credits. Pleased with the larger amount, Maul pocketed the bills and left the floor.
Inside the room, Yoda was digging out a pair of black spiked boots from his travel bag. Mace sighed and started removing his robes. “Must you do this again, Master Yoda? You haven’t recovered from the last encounter.” Yoda chuckled and started changing into his now trademark whore outfit then turned his back so Mace could lace him up. Mace did so reluctantly before changing his own clothes. His outfit consisted of a polyester white suit with bellbottoms and a large gold chain that ended in a large “M”.
“Leave before all of the best men go we must,” Yoda babbled and started to walk out of the room. Mace nodded, placed a pair of raybands on his face, and followed the small creature dressed in drag. Tonight would most likely be no different from any of the others. At least they’d make a profit; everyone wanted to bang a Jedi Master after all.
* * *
Maul had slowly become very weary of these odd guests with their even odder habits. The hours passed slower than a Wampa beast with hemmoroids and Maul soon ran out of things to amuse himself with.
Just then, his buzzer beeped. Maul sighed irritatibly and picked up the phone. “What do you want?” he droned. The person on the other end garbled out something incoherent. Maul frowned and asked the man to repeat himself.
“We need more isch!” he yelled drunkenly. Maul held the phone from his ear slightly, wincing.
“Fine. What room are you in?” Maul asked in return. The man spoke away from the phone at someone beside him before replying.
“306!” The other’s voice interrupted. “No, we’re in 309! I’m shorry!” Maul sighed to himself and said he’d be there shortly. The man thanked him stupidly and hung up. Maul dropped the phone back onto the cradle and left the front desk.
Maul exited the elevator doors and made his way to room 309. Strangely, no noise came from inside the room. He rapped on the door loudly. “Hey! You the guys who wanted ice?” he bellowed. He continued banging on the door until it slowly swung open with a creak. Maul poked his head in. The room was completely dark and no one was in sight.
“Hey! Anyone in here?” Maul called out, stepping inside the blackened room. He fumbled along the wall for a lightswitch. Just then the lights flickered on and he was face to face with a midsection. A portly midsection. He yelped and backed away towards the door. The door slammed shut and the midsection strode forward. A large reptilian head lowered to stare Maul in the eyes.
“Yousa thinkin’ yousa can just be walkin’ in here?” it demanded in a garbled tongue. Maul snarled and grabbed the creature’s neck roughly.
“You asked me to come here, you idiotic creature!” he snarled. The thing slapped Maul’s hands away and hoisted him up to his eye level. Maul used his control over the Force to make the thing release him.
“Hey! Jar Jar! Come back to bed!” sang out a deep female voice from the bedroom. Maul pushed the thing aside and gaped. A young girl dressed in stately, if not tattered, robes, her long hair mussed and out of place around her face. Jar Jar beamed a toothy smile the girl’s way and nodded his great floppy-eared head.
“Mesa comin’, Amidala!” he responded and flopped onto the bed. Maul swallowed back bile for the second time that night as the Gungan joyfully rolled on the bed with the young Naboo queen. This was sick! He had to get out of there and fast!
He spun towards the door and tried opening it. Locked! He fumbled on his person for the ring of keys and cursed when he remembered he’d tossed them hours earlier. Jar Jar and Amidala looked at the angry Zabrakian curiously.
“Does the bellhop wish to play our games?” Amidala asked in her commanding voice. Jar Jar shrugged his weak shoulders. “We need a third person anyway. Jar Jar, sieze him and bring him to me.” Maul shook his head wildly and held his hands out.
“Keep the hell away from me you sick perverted bastards!” he screamed and rushed past the bumbling Gungan. He leaped over the bed, narrowly missing the queen’s outstretched hand, and rolled to a stop before the bathroom door. He used his Force to push the tall Gungan back onto the bed, thoroughly crushing the queen. Frantically, more afraid that he’d ever been in his life, he threw himself into the bathroom and locked the door. From the outside, Jar Jar began banging on the door, demanding his odd langauge that he come out. Maul whispered a “Hell no!” to himself and searched the small room for a way out. Above the toliet he spied a small window. He climbed atop the closed toliet seat cover and punched out the window. Cool air rushed into his face as he poked his head out of the broken window. Dozens f ships soared past his head, making him yelp and duck inside quickly. After a last minute search of the bathroom again he confirmed that this was the only way out of this situation. Steeling himself against whatever might be waiting for him out of the window, he began squeezing himself through the small opening.
He managed to get his torso out but couldn’t get his legs out. He hung there, suspended and screaming for help. A noise above his head caused him to look up. Anakin poked his head out of his room, his face tinted green. Maul furrowed his brow at the boy’s expression.
“Ice...need..ice..” Anakin muttered thickly. Maul blinked then gasped sharply when he saw the boy lurch. Maul scurried back inside the room before the green puke hit him on the head. He collapsed onto the bathroom floor and cursed. Now his only way out was through the room door. He snatched up his lightsaber, hidden carefully in the side pocket of his uniform jacket, and kicked open the bathroom door. There was no sight of the beastiality-loving pair. He kept his sense sharp lest they sprang forward from the other side of the bed and jumped him offguard. He inched his way to the door, glancing about the whole time. Finally, he reached the door, ripped it from the hinges, and hurried out down the hall.
* * *
Dawn was fast approaching and Maul’s patience was thinning. So far, he’d seen a pair of Jedi Knights doing the nasty with whips and women’s underwear, two of the most-respected Jedi Council members leave the hotel to whore themselves on the streets, and a Gungan banging a human female. What else could go wrong?! he wondered. The red light at the top of the phone panel blinked on and off. It was the penthouse suite. Curious, Maul picked up the special red phone for the uppermost room and spoke into it.
“Yes, what do you want?” The voice on the other end made him fall out of his chair. “Master Sidious! When did you get here?” Sidious cackled and replied that he’d decided to monitor his apprentice’s work.
“I have some friends up here with me, Maul, and I command you to bring us the best alcohol in the hotel,” Sidious instructed. Maul nodded quickly.
“Yes, my Master. I’ll be there right away.” Sidious thanked him and hung up. Maul gently placed the phone back on the cradle and sat there for a moment. Why in the world would his master want to stay here when he had a gorgeous home already? Cheap fun, Maul mused and got up from the floor. This task would require the usage of a food cart.
* * *
Maul pushed the large silver serving cart down the special hallway leading to the penthouse suite’s double doors. He rapped twice, heard his master invite him in, and walked inside with the cart in front. What he saw made him almost drop to the floor.
All around the room, females from almost every race on Coruscant were clad in skimpy bathing suits, five of them fawning over the aging Sith Lord. The rest were sprawled in the laps of the Jedi Council. All of the remaining guests had left their rooms and were partying with the rest of the jumbled crowd. Bottles of liqour were scattered all over the floor, tipped over and spilling their contents onto the carpet. Anakin was bent over the lap of a Twi’lek female recieving a backrub. Qui-Gon was chasing his scantily clad apprentice with a whip. Yoda and Mace bawled into their booze at the bar. Jar Jar and Amidala were backed in a corner going away at it like their was no tomorrow.
And in the center of it all was the large jacuzzi where Sidious was seated, still in his concealing robes, and being pampered by the bikini-clad females. Maul couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Jedi and Sith..in one room and all enjoying the pleasures it gave! Maul felt himself tremble with anger at being forced to witness and cater to these sickos’ needs. The laughter of the females burnt through his mind. The joyous cries of the idiot Obi-Wan brat sickened his stomach. The cooing of the Twi’lek who was massaging the boy made his lips curl up into a sneer. The seemingly endless flow of tears from Mace and Yoda caused his hands to fist tightly. The disgusting sounds of beastiality in the corner sent his temper to new heights.
But nothing got his goat like the sight of his respected master sitting in the center of bubbling water being caressed and petted by dozens of attractive females. That was it. That was the last straw.
Maul’s anger erupted into one long howl of rage as he ignited his deadly dualsaber and started slashing the furniture and floor to shreds. All noise in the room stopped and only the sound of Maul’s rage could be heard.
“You all are complete and utter perverted fools!” he bellowed, sending the pair of Jedi Knights flying into the wall with his Force. “Making me wait on all of you!” Another wave of his hand made Anakin fly out of a window. “I slaved and worked while you had fun!” Mace and Yoda followed their beloved Chosen One. “And what do I see?!” Amidala and Jar Jar went sent through a wall. “I see my master being treated like gold while I worked my ass off and became stressed for no reason!”
In the tub, the females cowered from Maul’s rage but Sidious beamed a bright evil smile at his apprentice. “Yes! Let your hatred flow! Strike me down!”
Suddenly, Maul stopped and retracted his saber blades. He stared down at his master scornfully. “Why do I keep on thinking you should be saying that to someone else, my Master?” he asked, all traces of anger gone from his voice. Sidious shrugged.
“I think you’re going crazy from this task, Maul. Come, join me in the tub and be loved by a female of your own race,” Sidious invited, gesturing to a petite brunette Zabrakian beauty. She fluttered her eyelashes as him and patted the water beside her. Grinning like a loon, Maul stripped down to his boxers and climbed into the tub. The female sat down in his lap and began stroking his head. Maul sighed contently and slid deeper into the hot water.
“Better?” Sidious asked. Maul grunted a response. “Good. Because tomorrow you do this again.”
Maul’s eyes snapped open and he uttered a final “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
END